Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.