Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.