Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me hooking up with my ex
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”