You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.