All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater