Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.