Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
No Google it does not
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas