Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
White Castle for the Win
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.