“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.