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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.