I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too