I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
emergency phone
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.