Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit