I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?