Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.