I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’m confused about plants
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
And bowling should be called pinball
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me