boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Blew out my flip flop…
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this