Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
selena gomez
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.