“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
How funny!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
This took me a second..
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares