As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I had to Stop for this
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.