Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You Might Also Like
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Yes, this is exactly right
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I mean…but I did
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.