I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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