If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Don’t touch that.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?