doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
When someone trying to leave me