App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee