🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
One of the best
Noted.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Just a reminder, folks: