So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
channeling her this year
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.