Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat