How dramatic are you?
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me too, bag. Me too….
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.