My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.