Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”