Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
We found love in a hopeless place.