FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.