Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
whatcha thinkin bout
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.