I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
every. time.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.