I had to Stop for this
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Basically.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat