[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Webb. James Webb.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute