I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Meme Monday.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.