Yup.
You Might Also Like
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
They’re called werewolves.