Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
🌱🌱🌱
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*