huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Monica just destroyed the internet
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The symmetry is uncanny.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.