*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
You Might Also Like
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Wait a minute…
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen