If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm