ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
it is time once again
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.