THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
#titanic
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here