“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I have a new favorite meme page
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
How dude HOW?!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.