Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.