Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! š
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha iām shaking but like in a good way
My husband told my daughter he canāt flush his contacts down the toilet because itās bad for the oceans and she thinks itās because āhumans donāt want sharks to see better.ā
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Avocados are like children. Itās important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they wonāt go badā¦
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concernā¦”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues thereās a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openiā [CIA agents tackle me]
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The concept of āraining menā is a terrible thought and I wouldnāt be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no iām wind chimes
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.