If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly