I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?